Back in the U.S. of A

18 months. That’s how long we’ve been overseas. We came home for 4 weeks over Christmas and ran into the strange phenomenon known as reverse culture shock as we hung out with family and friends. We weren’t eating gum off handrails like Elf or anything, but we certainly got a little weird about the food. Here’s a Foxworthian account of our mishaps and blunders.

If your suitcase is empty because you don’t own pants or jackets, you might be a caucasian malaysian.

If you leave the airport in L.A. and complain about the cold, you might be a caucasian malaysian.

If you can’t concentrate on your own conversation because you can finally understand everyone around you, you might be a caucasian malaysian.

If you forget social cues and butt into someone’s conversation about their honeymoon, totally proving you’ve been eavesdropping, you might be a caucasian malaysian.

If you’re excited to shop at Walmart, you might be a caucasian malaysian.

If you can’t believe how many fat people you see once inside, you might be a caucasian malaysian.

If Seattle feels rural, you might be a caucasian malaysian.

If you tell a waitress your order will be confusing because you’re changing the cheese and adding jalapenos, you might be a caucasian malaysian.

If you accidentally insult said waitress by proceeding to speak very slowly and not really making your order confusing at all, you might be a caucasian malaysian.

If you’re dumbfounded by your family’s smartphones, you might be a caucasian malaysian.

If you go for a jog and swerve widely around people walking their dogs because you’re used to stray dogs chasing you, you might be a caucasian malaysian.

If your family laughs at you because Taco del Mar is the best thing you’ve ever tasted, you might be a caucasian malaysian.

If you eat mexican food every day for two weeks in fact, you might be a caucasian malaysian.

If you find a new love for Safeway, Coldstone, Subway, REI, gas stations, customer service, rules on the road and Sportscenter, you might be a caucasian malaysian.

If you feel a tickle on your leg and instinctively slap it, thinking it’s a mosquito, you might be a caucasian malaysian.

If your buddies laugh at you when you walk to the wrong side of the car, you might be a caucasian malaysian.

If your ’99 Pontiac Grand Prix that’s been rear-ended twice and never fixed feels like a Mercedes, you might be a caucasian malaysian.

If you’re still freezing two weeks after arriving in Seattle, you might be a caucasian malaysian.

If you gain 8 pounds in four weeks (Chance) and can’t believe that’s it, you might be a caucasian malaysian.

If you arrive in the U.S. with a great tan, and get teased four weeks later in Penang for being so white, you might be a caucasian malaysian.